Somewhere in one of my online dating profiles, I’ve put in a line something about needing a man who isn’t afraid to be alone with his thoughts. To me that is an indication that he is aware of how he feels about things and is sure about who he is and what he wants. But then the more I thought about that line, the more I realized that I’m afraid of my own thoughts too. No, not a spooky, “she’s a wacko who’s probably gonna shoot someone, did you know she carries a gun,” kind of way. (Yes, I’ve carried a gun all my adult life and I’ve never shot anyone even during one of my aforementioned micro-bursts of anger.) No, I mean my deepest thoughts.
I think the only thoughts I hate being alone with are memories of people who have come and gone from my life over the years. I guess that’s why old people tell the same old stories over and over, they just miss their friends and talking about them keeps them alive to them somehow.
I used to think about people I’d wronged in some way too. I didn’t do anything horrid but I’ve slighted a few people over the years. Sometimes a friendship isn’t going well and I’ll end it. A few times I did it in mean ways and I’m truly sorry. Fortunately I’ve had the opportunity to right most of those types of wrongs. I haven’t renewed the friendships, I made the right decisions, but I was less than Christian in my method of dealing with it and that is what I am most ashamed of. I have made my apologies to those I’ve run into again. Doesn’t make it right but I just think I owe them that much.
Earlier in my blog posts I’ve mentioned how when you love someone you should love them warts and all. It shouldn’t matter what they look like, it shouldn’t matter if they do things you don’t approve of or don’t take your advice… no matter what, you still love them, even if you think they are doing dumb things. That’s easy with family members but what about friends?
I have an online friend I’ve had for a while now. In the past year, she knows very little about my life. Why? Because she doesn’t listen! She comes online, vents and leaves. Recently I had a piece of news to share and I told her a one sentence synopsis and she didn't respond at all, just went on talking about her own life. (Hey, it’s not like I have a lot of news to tell so any news from me is a big deal.) That really hurt. It’s not the first time it’s happened either. I’m not important and nothing I have to say is important either. Clearly I’m not getting what I need from this friendship. Maybe it’s time to move on? At least I know I can do so in a Christian way and have no regrets.
Many times I think about the men I’ve loved in my lifetime. It is funny how the ones who broke up with me are the ones that hurt the most. Those hearts I broke, I barely remember. How selfish is that? Those are the kind of thoughts I fear being alone with. How can I expect any more from those who have dumped me? With few exceptions though, there aren’t any dumpers or dumpees I’m pining away for anymore.
The thoughts that are the hardest to be alone with come from that nagging little devil me that sits on my shoulder telling me I’m evil, mean, ugly, slutty… I hate that bitch.
I prefer the voice of the angel me who reminds me of all the goodness, kindness, purity, sincerity, love, wisdom, and sexiness. Okay, I made up the last one; my angel me wouldn’t tell me I’m hot but she might tell me I’m nice looking.
The more I write here, the less scary all my fears about myself seem. I am liking myself more and enjoying my times of solitude more. However, I’m still not comfortable thinking about anything unhappy. I would rather crank up the music and rock out to the beat because I am sick and tired of crying.
I am a work in progress; both potter and clay. I am molding myself into the person I want to become. What I am learning is that there isn’t anything wrong with my original design, just in my perception of it.
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