I’m Alone, I’m Lonely

In the last couple of days, I have become moderately depressed. I know that it is because it has been 5 years since my divorce and I’m still alone. (The ex has gone through at least 3 live-in girlfriends.) I’ve heard people say, “I don’t need a man in my life!” I don’t need a man either, I just want one. I am one of those people who feel incomplete without a mate. I truly believe God intended us to be paired up since he made Woman for Man. It is logical that I would feel lonely without a partner.

The need I feel to be paired off is all-consuming at times. I don’t have to get married right away; I just want to belong with someone. I want my soft place to land, arms to hold me, someone to laugh with me and someone to make love to. I want someone whose face lights up when they see me coming.

I know there are plenty of drawbacks to being in a relationship, but for me, they just aren’t worth mentioning. I guess the biggest of those would be the need to compromise. Some people just aren’t able to do that, it has to be their way all the time. They expect perfection so they may possibly spend the rest of their life searching for the perfect mate and end up alone because no one fit their ideal. There has to be compromise, not control or need for perfection.

[On an aside, my kids have often accused me of being controlling and have suggested I always have to have things my way. I have talked about this a little before, and remember, I am stating my personal feelings here. I’m trying to make sense of things for myself and while some understanding would be nice from whomever reads this when I’ve gone off to the grave, I’m sharing so people will understand that there were no ulterior motives in my life. When my kids were younger, I controlled many aspects of their lives, that’s just the way it is for kids. Kids can’t wait to get out from under the control of their parents, that’s the nature of things. If only my kids could see the level of compromise I exhibited in my 20 year marriage. The forgiveness I’ve shown for offenses which would have sent many marriages to divorce court years earlier. All the lies I overlooked, the neglect I suffered… There are two sides to every story, this is my story.]

I don’t want to control a mate at all. And I hope they don’t want to control me either. (Although, it would be really nice to have a man who could control me physically should the need arise, and one who knows how to diffuse me when someone gets me riled. I am a bit of a spitfire… I am telling you, I should have had red hair ‘cause it suits my temperament. ) In fact, I’m hoping that I will find someone who does their own thing sometimes too because I don’t want to be the entertainment committee.

I love to do things with my man but he’s going to have to take the initiative and plan things for us to do because I don’t know what someone else wants to do. If there is something I want to do, I will speak up too. It’s not a complicated thing, relationships. It’s all about consideration for the other person. Making the other person happy should be the primary goal of both parties in a relationship.

Many times I wondered if I would be able to adapt to the demands a relationship would put on my personal time. I spend a lot of time on the computer, for example. Given the changes I’ve been making in my life, adapting to new routines, changing jobs, moving to a new town after living in the same house for 14 years; I am convinced that I can adapt and grow in a relationship just as I’ve adapted to all the other changes in my life. What’s more, I want a relationship so it is something I welcome and long for in my life. I can’t imagine I would want to ruin something as wonderful as a committed relationship with controlling behavior.

OK, so remember Mr. brief-but-extremely-stimulating-relationship? He E-mailed me at work yesterday. I’ve had guys treat me like an emotional ragdoll before. I don’t think I am very trusting of him at this point. While I have no doubt the sex would be incredible, I am not ready to treat sex as casually as I say I am at times. Mr. brief-but-extremely-stimulating-relationship left me with the female equivalent of “blue balls” which lasted more than a week. (And all we did was kiss! But we talked about other things and the sexual banter was better than some sex I’ve had.) I would love to be the type of woman who could just hop in bed for a wild ride but I’m not. I don’t believe God would want me to behave that way. In the past I’ve gone against what I believe and have been betrayed. I really don’t want all the emotional/spiritual/sexual tug-of-war thing going on in my life.

All kidding aside, I felt a real connection to Mr. brief-but-extremely-stimulating-relationship. We have quite a few interests in common so we would have been able to do things together right off. We also had interests of our own we wanted to share. Our lives intersected beautifully with location, schedules… We have similar intelligence levels (but being a woman, I let him think he’s smarter than me). Couple those (no pun intended) with the incredible physical chemistry; I was intense about how exciting all the possibilities were looking.

All I can say is this guy needs a serious dose of Men Are From Mars, Women are from Venus. (Just call me a Harpy on this issue.) Mandatory reading for a relationship with me I think. Men always want an owner’s manual for me, there it is! If Dr. Gray wasn’t married (had some facial hair, a more rugged looking face and was 40 pounds heavier), I’d be after him.

I think if someone wants to date me then they need to court me. And all the questions I’ve been too afraid to ask when I was younger; I’m asking. So we’ll see who steps up to meet my minimal list of companionship requirements.