Starting Today

First some basic facts about myself. I am a 50 year old, divorced, white female, mother, grandmother, pet owner... I am a lot of things but uninhibited isn't one of them. I hope to change all that beginning today.

Please keep in mind that I am not trying to write a convincing argument to sway you over to seeing my point-of-view on topics, I am simply stating how I see things and how I feel about them, right or wrong, it doesn't matter, it simply IS.

I am not happy about being single again. I planned to stay married to my husband for the rest of my life but he had other plans. I lost my identity when my husband left. I am no longer anyone's wife. For the first year after he left, maybe longer, I couldn't bear to hear the word 'husband' because I no longer had one. It was like a knife stabbing into my soul every time I heard it. To me it seemed as though everyone had a husband but me. At least everyone who wanted one had one. I felt like something had been taken away from me. I felt betrayed because I thought he was supposed to be the one person I could count on to never let me down.

It wasn't the first time he'd left me. The first time was at the 12 year point in our marriage. I was devastated that time because I had four small children and no job. I accepted much more responsibility than I deserved for his leaving that time and ended up swallowing my pride and taking him back.

I was happy, for the most part... or there were long periods of time where I wasn't miserable at least. That's something I suppose. But happy? No, not really.

People have told me all my adult life that I have low self-esteem but I've always been offended by that. I didn't think it was true. But why then did I cling for another 8 years to a marriage that didn't really have anything in it for me. There were many things MISSING from my marriage... I made due but why did I do that?

There was never enough affection, I had to beg for sex and there were times I got it as seldom as twice a year. My husband was absent emotionally, drowning his emotions in incessant television watching and beer drinking. He was detached from the kids, rarely interacting past the point of scolding them for getting in the way of the television.

We have been divorced for five years now and I haven't found anyone new. Part of me doesn't feel I deserve to be happy. I get propositioned by men sometimes on the singles website I go to but it's not the same as having someone genuinely interested in you as a person. I want someone who likes the way I look, thinks I'm interesting and funny and sexy. I feel all those things. In my brain I still have those luscious breasts, perky butt and perfect lips. I'm often shocked when I see my mother looking back at me in the mirror.

You know, I love sex. Nothing turns me on more than to see that I am turning the guy on. When I see that desire on his face, there is no foreplay necessary (though it is always welcome). Woot!

It really turns me OFF when guys bring up sex in the getting-to-know-you stage of online dating, before meeting in most cases. Instant turnoff guys! (It's right up there with seeing you posing with giant dead fish you've caught in the past. Might turn on your guy friends but it's not gonna score you any points with the girls.) Talking about sex that soon SCREAMS "sexually depraved male." That tells me I'm gonna be paying for all the sex his ex didn't give him. It also means I'm gonna be paying for all her other sins as well. No thanks!

I don't know if women peak sexually later in life or what, but it's a damn shame someone hasn't scooped me up. I may look 50 on the outside but on the inside I'm a HOT Mama. I could really go for some hot steamy sex... but I am a woman and there has to be some love, respect and trust there first.

Men on dating sites are so much more attractive to me when they are interested in learning about my hobbies, passions and feelings than they are when holding up a big mouthed bass. (Men are CLUELESS.) That would be like me posing with my lasagna. Yeah, that will get me scooped right up. NOT.

Men who can build things, men who can work on cars (or men who can afford to leave those headaches to the mechanics), men who love deeply... that right there is a sexy man. I like to feel safe; he will get us there in one piece. I like to not have to drive when we go places. I like him to pick up my hand to hold it. I like him to pull me close and kiss me. He won't have to ask for much beyond that point. :)

You see, I can see myself in a wonderful relationship where we're both very happy, no one is doing without anything they need, sexually or emotionally. I want a relationship where both people are committed to living life according to the Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus type of relationship. (Should be required reading before marriage.) With both parties striving to make the other happy every day, how can a relationship like that go wrong?

Part of me feels I'm not in a happy relationship like that because I don't deserve it. Is that the low self-esteem talking or is there some reason I feel I don't deserve it? It's the little devil me, sitting on my shoulder and reminding me of all my faults, pointing out the warts of my personality, those which I am here myself to expose, one-by-one. Once that is done, I will be able to knock the little devil me off my shoulder and follow divine guidance into that blissfully fulfilling, final relationship.

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