Broken Bones/Broken Spirit

I am feeling pretty busted up physically today. I have a broken or cracked rib up under my right breast where that monster forced my knees up and then pressed them really hard into my chest. It hurts to breathe. All the muscles in my legs and especially in my butt, hurt as though they are bruised. It’s difficult to walk and it’s painful too.

I am still taking several baths a day because I can still smell him on me. How is that possible?

I picked up the shirt I was wearing when Mr. brief-but-extremely-stimulating-relationship was here and I could smell him on my shirt. I inhaled deeply and took great comfort in HIS smell. I wish I could bottle that smell for the warmth and safety it lends.

This evening I spoke to a rape victim’s advocate. She was very nice, no pressure to report, and believe it or not, she encouraged vigilante justice in this case. I know exactly what I want to do, just don’t know if I have the nerve to do it myself. Hell, yes I do, I just don’t want to go alone. Where are those graffiti artists when you WANT them to paint for you? I’m not ready to give up on the idea.

I asked the advocate about getting checked for STD’s and she said it would be covered by the victim’s fund or whatever. Cool since I haven’t any insurance. Gawd I hate that walking human puss. Really great news was that the incidence of AIDS is so very low that they don’t even test for it unless the guy was a drug user or had sores. She said that AIDS is really rare in this area. That’s a relief.

The advocate told me that this guy could be on a dangerous sex offender list and she told me about links that actually work and I’m looking through those.

She told me I needed to replace the rape images in my mind with something positive. I told her about asking Mr. brief-but-extremely-stimulating-relationship to come over and how he held me replace the rape images with HIS face. I told her how very understanding and comforting he was to me. She said I did exactly the right thing. It really has helped to crowd out most of the traumatic imagery but now I’m back to longing to see Mr. brief-but-extremely-stimulating-relationship again. No one has ever held me like that before. It was just wonderful. I could die happy in that moment.

It is getting late and I have to leave at 5:00 a.m. for the hospital to be checked over so I will write more later. Hopefully brain waves will increase over the next few days because thoughts are still coming quite slowly. I hate going to the hospital alone.