My Mother/Daughter Relationships

In an earlier “episode” I talked about my belief that I’m attracted to emotionally unavailable men (or perhaps the correct evaluation would be to say that I’m a magnet for them), because all the men in my life from my grandfathers to father to brother to husband have all been the same kind of men, emotionally unavailable. They were all likeable fellows, people were usually drawn to them, but at home there were no hugs, no atta-girls, no pats on the back or, God forbid, any I-love-yous. But I only told half the story. Neither were there any of those things from the women in my life. They were no more emotionally available than the men.

The women were all very adept at domestic chores (though some enjoyed doing them to lesser or greater degrees than others) and child rearing, but none were especially good at expressing love. Or maybe they didn’t know how to feel love either? I’m guessing not. So how then have I broken the cycle on that? Why couldn’t/wouldn’t any of the others break out of that horrid cycle?

It causes near physical pain for me to imagine that my mother may never have received real love in her live. But it nearly kills me to think that she may never have experienced GIVING real love either. I’ve often heard that it is better to give than to receive and I think that is especially true of love.

I believe at times that my mother gave up her dream of finding love. According to her sister, she wanted to break it off with my father before they were married but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. (I’ll go into their story some other time.) Anyway, my mother told me that her parents weren’t affectionate to her, nor were other family members. My mother told me once that she liked seeing me love on my children because she always wanted to be like that with us but never could. (I have a theory on why that might be too, again for a later date.) My mother told me she loved me twice in my life that I remember, but those two times were memorable.

However memorable they were though, two I-love-yous in a lifetime from a parent is not nearly enough. Children live for the love and approval of their parents. Once they are conditioned not to receive what they need, they learn to stop asking and never learn to give it either; how terribly sad for the human race.

So now we have spells of dysfunction cast over these families and they don’t know how to give or receive love; how truly tragic not to be able to feel such utter joy with another human being. Love is a deep and abiding connection for which there is no substitute. I thank God that I’ve been able to shake off the effects of whatever spell was cast over my family so that I could experience this with my children. My adult children know I love them, I tell them often. They know I’m proud of them too. Kids need that; adults need that too.

Is there a way to teach an emotionally detached person to love? Can their hearts be opened to love. I’ve been trying all my life to do that in just about every romantic paring I’ve been a part of, and I have not been successful. Early in the relationship they seem to hunger for the love and approval they didn’t get as children but later they are unable to overcome the inability to openly exchange love. I believe they want to love so badly but they are afraid of engaging in anything that makes them vulnerable for fear the love won’t last and they will be disappointed again.

If only those people could let themselves go just for a while and just drink it all in, they too might see the value in love and help break the spell over their own families.

I was determined to have a different relationship with my daughter than I had with my mother. I always felt that my mother was overly judgmental and narrow minded so I went a bit too far the other way and was too liberal with my children (although they would tell you I was strict). I may have been too much of a friend and not enough of a mother at times. But one thing my kids always knew was that I loved them unconditionally. But then my daughter stopped talking to me for an entire year and shook my belief in that theory.

Details of the actual events really aren’t important to the story but for the whole year, I didn’t know WHY my daughter had stopped speaking to me. Not a clue. My daughter despises displays of emotion so avoids any type of “drama,” like talking about “feelings.” All I could do was try my best to keep in touch with her, tell her I love her and wait it out, which I did. During that year I heard three different stories about what might be causing her to want to punish me in this way but only one rang true and that was her belief that I don’t like my son-in-law.

It is true, in their early relationship, we had some rough times; it is obvious that he and I cannot live under the same roof. However, when he’s not living with me, I honestly don’t have a problem with him. My daughter has made her choice, they have a son together; it’s a done deal, he’s part of the family and isn’t going anywhere. I’m over it. I invited their little family out for a barbecue and they came, a year to the date that my daughter stopped talking to me. I didn’t ask what had happened, I just let it go and reveled in the joy of their company. All that was important was that we were together and I was now Grandma Pooh-pooh to my two-year-old grandson whom I didn’t think would even remember me.

Our reunion was short lived however because my daughter has convinced herself that she can read my feelings about her husband on my face and she is sure that I don’t like him. How to I defend myself against something like that? I’ve told her it isn’t true, I even loaned him all my tools as a sign of good faith. She doesn’t believe me. I don’t know what more I can say.

My daughter wasn’t around to witness the emotional detachment of my parents or grandparents but she did grow up viewing her mother in a marriage with a man she loved very much, but whom didn’t love her in return. Is it any wonder that she would so fiercely protect her marriage to a man she feels truly does love her? What kind of mother would I be to come between that?

As painful as it is, I have to back away from my daughter and allow her to wrap herself up in the love of her immediate family in order that she may experience love to the fullest and escape the hell of emotional detachment that I never fully could. Hopefully she will never realize the depth of my sacrifice nor ever remember witnessing my pain. I just want her to escape the spell and be happy, even if that means I’m no longer a part of her life.

“If you love something, set it free, if it comes back to you it’s yours forever, if it doesn’t it wasn’t meant to be.” – Aphrodite

“There is no sacrifice greater than giving up love for love’s sake.” – Baring My Soul In Public