This morning I attempted to go out and walk a vigorous 3 miles. I was only able to go about 1/3 of the way because I was weak from not eating; every muscle in my legs feels bruised and hurts to the touch. I have been having a hard time getting around since then, I guess I over-did it. I’ll try again tomorrow because I know it will be good for me and should help clear the cobwebs from my brain. Things are still moving from my brain to my lips and from my brain to my fingertips. I have been working on this paragraph for over a half hour.
Today I am frustrated by people who insist I go to the police. I watch TV; I know it is my word against his whether or not it was consensual. I can’t ID the boat I was on; I just know there were two locked gates to get in or out of the docking area. There is no DNA probably since I’ve shaved and taken at least a dozen baths and douched twice to get his smell off my body. I just want this to be over. I don’t want to tell a courtroom full of strangers the humiliating things he did to me. I don’t even want to tell my friends and family those things. I’m NOT doing it so these well-meaning harpies better let me deal with it in my own way or they will be cut out of my life just like the rapist has been. I want to pretend it didn’t happen. I want to stop reliving it over and over.
I have been trying to replace those disgusting memories with memories of the peaceful, comforting embraces of Mr. brief-but-extremely-stimulating-relationship from the day after the rape. I try to wrap myself in the warmth of that time we shared and feel that love from one human being to another. There is no greater gift than the gift of your time and compassion. It seems to be helping me more than I expected. I am so glad I decided to call. I wasn’t sure he would come and I would have understood if he hadn’t wanted to. I am eternally grateful.
How do I continue self-exploration when this event changes who I am yet again? How will this change me? Will I never be able to turn to a man for comfort the way I did with Mr. brief-but-extremely-stimulating-relationship? Right now he is the only man I feel safe with, but we don’t see each other anymore. I need that feeling of being safe and loved that he gave me. Oh, Dear God, please help me to have that feeling again someday. I feel so alone right now. Help me to feel loving arms around me all day today. Give me the strength to keep living when all I want to do is die.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Take it easy and don't over do it 1/3 of your usual walk is plenty to get out breathe fresh air and reconnect with God.
ReplyDeleteI know you're frustrated with all who are pushing towards you pressing charges but it is all well meant I'm sure out of love and protection of you. It may be irritating but try to focus on where their heart is at.
Mr. brief-but-extremely-stimulating-relationship is wonderful for physically and emotionally being there for you I am so thankful that he answered your call.
Continuing your self exploration will now include exploring how this has affected you, changed you and what will be different from this point on. But also it is important to recognize if you need outside help to deal and pursue it if need be.
(((hugs)))
Thank you so much. You have been a good friend through this nightmare. I really appreciate the support.
ReplyDeleteI do know that people mean well but they can't understand unless they have been where I am. I just want to forget, not keep rehashing every humiliating moment. I need to be free from those memories.
This world feels colder and more empty than ever before.