When Dreams Come True

Recently I was reminded of a common saying, “Be careful what you wish for.” People use the saying for many different kinds of circumstances but most often when people are daydreaming and obsessing about one thing for a period of time and then they finally get whatever it is. It is likely that when they obtain this item that is their heart’s desire, it won’t live up to their high expectations. That reminds me of another saying, “The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.” I have been in a daydreaming rut like that in my personal life lately; pining away for something just out of reach. I should have ignored those feelings and listened to my mother’s voice in my head dolling out her favorite piece of advice, “This too shall pass.” I never was good at listening to my mother though, damnit!

“This too shall pass,” are words I hated hearing anyone saying to me, but most especially my mother. It usually meant nothing more than, “You’ll get over it!” This meant I would experience still more anxiety but that it would eventually pass and things would be okay again. Sometimes the words are comforting though.

I suppose the words are never truer than when someone you love passes away and you’re mourning. Sometimes it seems like you will never laugh again, the sun will never shine warm on your face again. And then, there are my mother’s words, “This too shall pass.” It is really hard to accept those words as gospel when the pain is so raw, but no truer words were ever spoken in that instance. ("This too shall pass" is a phrase occurring in a Jewish wisdom folktale involving King Solomon. The phrase is commonly engraved on silver rings.) The period of mourning will indeed pass and the pain will fade to an intermittent, dull ache.

This blog is an example of something that starts out as a good idea and then the parts that would make it a whole article just don’t come together; perhaps because it is written in a read-between-the-lines kind of way? Okay, here’s the deal. I have a hard time, still, writing in the first person when I know that I have to own every word, every emotion, every blunder I make in life. The rape, for instance; I had to own the fact that a bad decision to try and erase painful memories of Mr. brief-but-extremely-stimulating-relationship, lead to my being raped. I can never face pain for what it is, pain. I have to try and make it go away on my own.

I won’t say I was in love with Mr. brief-but-extremely-stimulating-relationship but I certainly wanted to be. He is cute, hot, funny… what’s not to like? For whatever reasons, a relationship was not in the cards for us and no amount of wishing otherwise was going to sway my argument. On the other hand, neither one of us was able to cut off the relationship completely; a sick case of maggots being drawn to an open wound.

Mr. brief-but-extremely-stimulating-relationship had his reasons for not wanting to be in a relationship and I’m sure they were valid reasons (whatever they were). I had (key word here is HAD) an equally intense desire to be in a relationship; just like oil and water, we were. Just as I’d start to heal and get over him, he would call or send me a text message or contact me online or through E-mail; picking the scab off my heart all over again. In the end though, neither of us could get past this checkmate in the game; until yesterday.

There was one thing Mr. brief-but-extremely-stimulating-relationship and I could agree on; the physical chemistry was undeniable and INTENSE, just like me. For all the pain he brought into my life, Mr. brief-but-extremely-stimulating-relationship also brought a lot of joy and I have memories of times I won’t trade for anything. But let’s face it; other than the rape, I haven’t had sex in 6 years. I’m only human. I totally caved ‘cause I WANTED to cave.

Everything was much the way I daydreamed, he was tender and skillful, but I just couldn’t let myself go. And then those dreaded words rang out in my head, “Be careful what you wish for.” Here I was, in a moment I’d dreamed about countless times and I could get no satisfaction out of it because there was no emotion attached to it. And there is the bottom line for me; the sex isn’t there for me if there is no love. I was in a marriage for 20 years to a man who wanted to, but didn’t, love me; this was no different. This experience was as empty as they rare sexual encounters during my marriage.

The really good news is that I know, “This too shall pass.”