Further Exploration

I haven’t felt much like blogging lately. Until the rape, I thought I had myself all figured out; thought I’d painted a clear picture of myself here for those few reading. But then the rape happened and it altered how I feel about just about everything in my life.

Prior to the rape I was a born again virgin (6 years without sex at all and scant little in the 22 years prior to that certainly qualifies me I think). I am also a Christian and I don’t believe in premarital sex. I dreamed of meeting this wonderful man, understanding of my moral values and patient enough to wait… at least as long as I could hold out, lol.

If you go back to a post titled Trolling for Men, I talked about the kind of connection I wanted with someone. I posted a sample of a profile from a dating site that had caught my eye and how the man sounded like someone who would let you close to his heart… The one who wrote those words is my rapist. (Perhaps Googling a portion of the quote will even show you his face, I don’t know, I’ve not tried because I don’t want to see his face again, ever.)

I can’t help but wonder if his profile caught my attention because he’s had plenty of practice fine-tuning the words, much the way a pedophile tweaks his methods until he/she knows they can get what they want. This evil man has learned that he can lure women to him by using their emotions; he tells them what they want to hear.

The whole reason I was “Trolling for Men” in that post was because I’d suffered some heartbreak with Mr. brief-but-extremely-stimulating-relationship. I wanted to explore love with him but he wanted sex almost right away and I couldn’t do that because of my moral convictions. I wanted to have sex with him, OMG, and how! But my heart has to be involved for me to really get into sex. I just had to cut Mr. brief-but-extremely-stimulating-relationship loose.

I’d removed my profile from the web site several days prior to meeting the rapist. I’d given up on Mr. brief-but-extremely-stimulating-relationship and any other relationship. I needed time to heal. I really could have loved Mr. brief-but-extremely-stimulating-relationship but you can’t be in love alone. I didn’t see any harm in meeting this guy I’d spoken to a few times through Email since I’d already agreed to it. I thought maybe he would kiss me and break the spell Mr. brief-but-extremely-stimulating-relationship had over my heart.

This sexual predator knows how to say all the right things to lure unsuspecting women into his trap… why then can’t decent men learn these techniques and use them honorably? Do men not get that if they give themselves to us emotionally, we are MUCH more willing and eager to give of ourselves physically. The concept isn’t that hard to grasp.

Mr. brief-but-extremely-stimulating-relationship has become just Mr. extremely-stimulating-non-relationship. He’s made it clear he doesn’t want a love connection, just sex. Right now, having someone to hold me and replace negative sexual images with positive ones is trumping my resolve for moral purity. I mean, come on! I was just raped. I’m not pure anyway. I need to feel that sex can still be fun and hot, not something that reminds me if rape or an unfulfilling marriage.